Learning life lessons everyday...

The last time I wrote I wrote about pure joy and how happy I was to be back here and be with my kids and to start a new preschool. The last few weeks have been everything but pure joy-tiring, long, hard, sad and a learning experience. I have learned to not get too comfortable, to not depend on worldly objects and I am still working on forgiveness. I say that my days are tiring, long and hard but it's a good feeling that comes with those feelings. A feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of one step closer to a day where all the children listen and a feeling of I will get a good night of sleep because I am so tired.

A couple Fridays ago I was robbed while I was asleep and they took what I thought was my most valuable things I had but I was wrong. I was left untouched-I still can hold and hug children, still pray and give thanks to God and can still walk, talk and smile. When I woke up and realized I had been robbed and they even took the phone off my pillow I was so upset so mad and wanted all my stuff back. Finally the next day I realized I woke up again, I was protected and I am thankful for that.

So school continued at Mama Tara's, visits to House of Hope still happened and great times at Morgan's feeding program were going on. And I was starting to feel better but still wanting my computer back nothing else just my computer. Then today on the way to the feeding program with Morgan a taxi driver stopped us and said there a guy riding around in my friends taxi. He said he's bring him buy my apt. in a bit so Morgan went on to the feeding program and I went home. It wasn't my computer it was the same everything just much smaller. When everyone left and it was just me I realized I was super sad but not that it wasn't my computer but that I was missing the feeding program with Morgan and the kids. I am learning it's not the amount of stuff I have that should make me happy its the amount of God's love that I share that should make me happy.

The feeling of pure joy :)

You know that feeling you get the first time you see Shamu jump up out of the water in the beginning of the show? Your heart is pounding with excitement, your face is lite with a smile that can be seen for rows. There wasn't a worry that could touch your mind because you are in that moment...a moment of pure joy. That's how it felt when I got back to Puerto Lempira. Of course that feeling came after the feeling of am I going to be sick? The landing is so rough in the small plane on a landing strip made of baseball field clay. The feeling of pure joy comes when you see the children and they greet you with big smiles. Lots of hugs and then the fight starts over who is going to hold your hand. It's the best feeling a person can feel- the feeling that you were missed, that you are remembered by name. Don't get me wrong, I had the most amazing time in the States with my family and friends. I miss them terribly but seeing my children again makes it a little more bearable.

The walk from my apartment to Mama Tara's House is a journey and when it rains it becomes a muddy journey. Also let me throw in there we are in rainy season, to be honest I think we are always in rainy season. But as soon as I heard my name being yelled and saw children with the most beautiful brown faces running towards me. I quickly forgot about the mud all over my favorite new orange shorts. Even though they were covered in sores, scabs and spots they were still happy, smiling and willing to love on me. So for 30 minutes that's just what we did. We hugged, kissed and hola must have been said a thousand times. But my favorite part was rubbing the bald heads of the little boys. After all the excitement I got a better look at the the spots and realized it was chicken pox. Before I left chicken pox was going through House of Hope and now it had made its way to Mama Tara's House. The children in House of Hope have a nurse and get creams from the States when they get stuff like this but not Mama Tara's children. They are the toughest bunch of children I've ever seen. But now that they have Linda a woman from the States living with them, creams will be introduced to the home. They have been using sugar water, plants and other home made remedies for illness and some work but most don't. All I have to say is these children are a lot braver than I am.

One of my favorite reunions was with the little boy you all fell in love with through my pictures and blogs-Charlie. I thought everyone would be interested in hearing how he is doing. While I was gone Charlie started to walk. I was very sad to miss it but so glad he started, it was well over due. After all the greetings and hugs at House of Hope with all the older children. Mia and Italy won the fight in holding my hands and they took me into the sala straight to Charlie. Charlie looked at me and turned around and walked away and in that moment my heart dropped. All I could say was Charlito, he stopped and turned with that big smile on his face and ran towards me. It was not really a run but more like a unstable fast walk. I picked him up and he went straight into my neck with his face like a day hadn't even past. He had a tight grip around my neck, he pulled his face back and looked at me and laughed that giggle that could change bad moods in seconds. He stayed there for the rest of the afternoon, it's amazing what one can accomplish with a small child attached to them. But then dinner time came and I had to put him at the table. And the loud scream of a Charlie tantrum came quick and stayed for a while. But Charlie isn't sick anymore, he isn't malnourished so he follows the schedule just like all the other children. I walked away with him screaming at the table and arms reaching for me. I've always been on the other side of that situation except with my littlest God brother Jack. Dropping him at the YMCA child development center a few times when he didn't want to go. It broke my heart to leave Jack then and it breaks my heart to leave Charlie now, but it has to be done. And even though I know it has to be done, I am just like any other caregiver who loves that child so I did a "creep by". I crept by Child Development to check on Jack then and I crept by the sala before I left House of Hope to check on Charlie . Of course they are fine, they always are but I still found myself having to think the same words I would tell the parents who would leave their child with me. It's harder on your heart than theirs...

Just in case you missed me at the Dean's hour at the Cathedral

 I am not someone who can perform a surgery to fix a cleft palate, I am not professionally trained to help anyone work through their past trauma or someone who has been ordained in the church. But I am a caregiver, I am a strong believer and I do have two capable hands...

For the past 5 months I have been using my hands to guide children towards Christ, to dig trenches to build a classroom and last but not least I use my hands to show love to these children who don't feel it enough. Children who have been abandoned, taken away or have no one to take care of them. I have prayed with and for these children every night I tucked them in. Before lunch everyday we have a devotion and they learn a bible verse to encourage them in their faith. But mainly I show Christ love through being a servant...digging trenches can be mighty humbling :) I know we have all heard this line once or twice in our lives but never have I felt this line to be so true-while I am doing all this in Honduras I am the one being served, being lifted and changed. I have learned a new saying while living in Puerta Lempira-Do what is asked of you and do it with a happy heart for Jesus. I have also learned a mothers love can not be replaced, faked or taught. I am not a mother but I have much love to give. Everyday I give hugs, kisses, snuggles and in return I get lice lol I give words of encouragement, lessons in how to behave and I say a lot of I love you's. I cheer at soccer games, I take children swimming on Sunday's after church and I make sure chores are and homework are done or there are consequence. I do lice treatments, put on Band-Aids and change diapers...I am not a mother but I am a servant.

You may ask yourself why do I even bother, how do I know any of this will change these children? Because I know a fantastic Christian and responsible dentist that grew up in a home where mission groups go and give love and guide little hands towards Jesus. And even if it's just one child who comes out of these homes a strong believer because of the love and guidance that I have shown then then that's enough because I made a difference for the glory of God. So I may not be a doctor, a counselor or a cannon but I am a missionary.

What I have been up to for the past couple of months...

A month ago I was laying in bed with a parasite in my stomach, a tired feeling I couldn't shake and no appetite. I went and had a blood test and some other test at the hospital but nothing was found. Then someone said they can only test for a few different parasites and there are many. I couldn't make it to the store to buy water let alone to the Home to see my children. After losing 30 pounds in less then a month and being so dehydrated my head felt like it was going to explode I knew it was time to get some better health care. So I took a plan to the city. I came to San Pedro Sula to a bigger hospital, where they could run more test and the doctors seem to know a little bit more. After many test, a tube going down my throat and a X-ray we found out it was a parasite but I had taken already a few medicine's for them. The doctor wanted me to take one more, of course I get one of the bad side effects and cant feel my feet and my hands were numb for 2 weeks. I am drinking plenty of water now but my headache still was strong and painful. So I got a second opinion, this doctor said all that your stomach has endured you have wiped out all the good bacteria so he gave me another script. This time I felt well for a whole week and a half so I went a woman retreat for missionaries in Honduras and I was having an amazing time until one afternoon the pain was back. So back to bed I go...no dinner and then no breakfast, lunch or dinner again. It just so happens a doctor from the States is at this retreat so I meet her and tell her whats going on and she asks me questions. She calls in a pill and a powder-I take the pill and with in 2 hours I was fine, I was me...loud, dancing and making people happy. I was getting pills for a parasite that had been long gone but had left a infection so I needed something for the infection. My stomach is sensitive and always will be but I am me again and it feels great!! I've been going to many different orphanages in a few different cities around San Pedro. I still cant believe there are so many children with no parents every new home we go to. I don't think I will ever get use to it...it breaks my heart every time we pull up to a new home and new beautiful smile run out to hug me.

I do miss Puerta Lempira everyday-I miss my friends, my children and I miss the feel of I can walk anywhere I need to go. I am looking forward to getting back there in Jan. but don't get me wrong I am defiantly looking forward to coming back to the States. Brushing my teeth with sink water, flushing toilet paper and loving on friends and family that I have missed so much.

I am sorry this has taken so long to get out to y'all, I thank you all for your prayers and I cant wait to see everyone in 2 weeks!!!

Saying goodbye to Charlie everyday...

I've been here 3 months and I can't believe how fast the time is going by...I look different, act different and think differently but I still feel like me. I look healthier, I act like a person who has a good head on their shoulders and I think like a mother constantly but I am still me. I still am loud and command an audience, I still smile with my whole face which will make you smile too and I still love with all that I am even though it's harder these days because my heart is breaking a little everyday but at the same time I am different.

Charlie and Mia's mom is living in House of Hope and has a baby in her belly, she is trying to clean up her life. She has given up drugs, men and alcohol, she has endured a brick being slammed on her leg until it was broken and then hot wax poured on her until her skin was scared. While at House of Hope she is to take care of her children, clean her room and show some manners to the workers who had taken care of her children. She can do none of these things and it is so sad to see a woman, a mother act like this. I stayed around her as much as I could because I wanted to see the kids and they want to see me but it was a little uncomfortable to have Charlie call mama out to me while with her. I've been putting a day or two between the times I see him but it did no good it just made me miss the other children. So I went to House of Hope and didn't see him on purpose a few days and now Mia finds me and the mother has someone bring Charlie to me. Sometimes I don't know if I am hurting or helping him but I know for a fact I am hurting myself. It hurts me knowing he doesn't go outside everyday, it hurts me knowing she has lost track of his toys and he has none now and it hurts me the most to have to say goodbye to Charlie crying every time and walk home crying too.

How much pain can one's heart take? How many tears can someone really cry on a regular basis? Maybe I am praying wrong, maybe I deserve all this because I haven't made great decision either but maybe God has a lesson for me and I just need some prayer to hold on just a little bit longer...

How do you NOT see God here?

So after I posted my last blog a friend of mine said that lady just didn't want her floor to have mud on it. It sounds like that place is in need of help- I just see and hear the need for God....how do you see God there?

I see God when I see my children playing nice and safe outside on the playground and not in their homes starving, being abused in every way possible and lonely. I give thanks when I hear their laughter and their screaming and running away while I chase them. Because God has rescued them from crying and screaming and no one coming to get them out or a crib.

I feel God when my friends tell me when they were at the lagoon we like to take the young children to swim, a group of guys in a nice boat shot many shots up in the air and not at them. Here it's a real thought you could be shot at because there are drug dealers and real "bad guys". I feel blessed that when I hear gunshots at night they sound far away and not at our fence.

I hear God when I gather every week with a group of woman for bible study and we go around the group saying our blessings and our prayers. I hear God when we talk about our ministries and we pray for each other to be successful in them.

I taste God when I have cool, clean water to drink-you might think that sounds silly but the kids at Mama Tara's house love to feel the condensation on my water bottle because they don't have cold water to drink. It's a treat to get to drink out of my water bottle because it's clean and cold. I see the kids on the streets and on their front porches when I am walking home for lunch from Mama Tara's and I feel guilty every time because I know they don't have enough food, that hunger is a constant feeling they have.

And last but not least I believe in God and he is in my heart so even if I didn't see, feel or hear him I would still have faith and he would be inside me and that would be enough. I hug, kiss, hold and love on children every day and that is God's love coming through me.

I've been going to Mama Tara's a while now and have seen how things are and that floor gets dirty so I am pretty sure it was more than Ava just minding her floor being muddy. So the question I think should be how do you NOT see God here?

Coming to serve and being served...

Summertime is officially over here, which means no more groups, teenage summer volunteers or good food...just 3 women left all with a different calling from the Lord but adding up to make a great team. I will miss the lobster, chicken fried rice and shrimp but I like the calmness that a routine has to offer-the word calm sounds strange coming out of my mouth. I think something I am learning here is that there is a time to be super energized, a time to be on alert and a time to be calm.

Last night when I had to sleep in the Sala which is the middle room between the boys and girls hallways I couldn't be calm no matter how hard I tried!!! The roof is tin and it rained, there were rats, cats, roaches and mosquito's of both kinds (the children and insect) everywhere. So I didn't sleep a wink but I got a nice long nap this morning. It's really hard to have a home for children with teens of both sex and they all have been abused or seen abuse.

On to a happier note-Charlito and Mia!!! Charlie of course was one of the noise makers in the middle of last night but then settled as soon as he was laying in bed with me. Watching him sleep might be the one thing that makes everything better about sleeping over there a couple nights. Anyway Charlito is doing well but still has diaper issues, we hopefully got all the worms this time. He is so close to walking and saying more words than Mama, I can hardly wait!!! Mia still has extended belly from her worms but the pills should be working on that in the next day or two. She gets happier with everyday that passes but still wakes crying, all I can do is hold her until she stops nothing else will soothe her. Hopefully the diaper and waking up crying troubles will start to fade and we will have completely happy babies!!!

Mama Tara is still in the hospital on the other side of the jungle she is stable but still not a 100 percent so please continue to pray for her and God's plan for her Children in the home. Speaking of those children, they are doing well but as to be expected there are a few children who are pushing the line and if you know me well you know those are my favorite kind of child!!! So I am teaching them UNO and they love it!!! It's great because we are all working on our Spanish colors and numbers over there-they are a Mosquito ran home. I have been going over there everyday this last week and I have to travel thru mud to get there. When I get there I try my best to clean my shoes off but I always end of making tracks. Yesterday Aba (a house helper) was mopping and I totally messed up her floor so I took the mop from her to clean up my mess and she went to the well and got a pale of water and came and washed my feet and my flip flops for me. I have always seen God and experienced God mainly in children but this woman who is in her late 30's showed me God and made my heart shine and I know it sounds silly for someone who hasn't come here but for a Mosquito to clean a white person's feet who is not paying them is a big deal it's bigger than a big deal it's God in work. I am always surprised when I got to serve, I am the one is gets served and blessed. I pray that I am blessing them at least half of what they are doing for me.