I wasn't raised by Mama Tara...

I wasn't raised by Mama Tara and laid upon her breast like her children who were born to her...
I wasn't raised by a child of Mama Tara who was brought over for visits and made fond memories with...
I wasn't raised by Mama Tara because she saved me from a Mama who couldn't feed me, didn't want me or because my Mama died...

But I was able to witness who was- how wonderful, amazing and a blessing it was to be raised by Mama Tara.
She helped freely, she loved openly and she taught what it looks like to walk in Jesus' footsteps everyday.
I wasn't raised by Mama Tara or built many memories with her.

But I was welcomed by her with open arms, I was shown her golden heart as she sat outside with her children. I was inspired to follow in Jesus' footsteps as she did everyday. I pray I continue to grow into a woman like Mama Tara. To help without a second thought, to share my faith carefree and to love as Jesus loved.

I wasn't raised by Mama Tara but in the few months I knew her I never saw her without her bible. The children never ate a meal without praying first. Everyone of her children have a bible, they go to church every Sunday and they are read to every night from the bible. Mama Tara was the kind of Christian we dream of being, the kind of Christian I learn so much from just by being in her presents and listening to her talk about how God has done so much for her, her home and for her children. I am thankful I got a chance to meet and spend some time with such an amazing Christian woman.

Almost 2 weeks ago..

Today was the day after Mama Tara died- Laura, Arlee and I went to Mama Tara's to see if there was anything we could do and to spend time with the children. During the morning we spend time with the children and meeting Mama Tara's family, then we started helping prepare the meal. They kill a cow for lunch and have rice and yuka-so Laura did the meat preparing and I picked through rice. Laura came over when she was done and said I am coming back for the night to stay up all night with them. Earlier I was asked by a 16 year old, China if I was staying all night and I said I didn't think so but since Laura was so was I. When the food was done they made all the plates and I started pouring the drinks with Arlee and soon everyone was served and it was our turn to be served. I was nervous but didn't want to be rude so I ate lunch there and everyone who was serving sat down for the first time all day. It was getting late so we got in the car and came back to town and rested, ate dinner and packed a bag. I packed my bible, toilet paper, pepper spray, bug spray, snacks, water and my ipod. Laura and I hop in the car and off we went, we pull up and there's people everywhere. Laura sat with Linda and this other lady from the States so I put my bag with hers. And I went off to find China and some other teenagers-we listened to music, watched movies and they cried...I hugged. They made coffee and it smelled so good but looked so nasty. I love how everything is cooked over the fire pit, I love watching them do all the cooking stuff and being in the outside kitchen. Another cow was killed for the meal at midnight. The women were cooking rice again with yuka-I don't care for yuka. The workers started digging the hole in the yard, the preachers started to preach and the women started to cry out again. So I did what I do best hold a child, scratch a back and just watch. Trevor a 9 year old boy was on my lap, China was on one side of me and Wonky Tonky was on the other- at the main service which was at 9:30. Trevor looked up at me and said Mama Tara solomente dormendo(sorry I can barely say it so I know my spelling is off but I understand it) I started to explain to him that she wasn't only sleeping and when I looked down he was asleep. Then China was passed out and then Wonky Tonky. I was sitting on a counter top with my feet up on the arm of a pew and China on my legs and Wonky on my thigh it was so uncomfortable but I loved every minute of it. Mama Tara loved to watch the kids pile on me so I thought since she was in the room with us I'd make her heart smile again. I still had not gone up to the casket and I decided not to. Anyway finally midnight rolled around and we ate, the men kept digging and the preachers and women continued but her family who had been up the night before started to go to sleep. But they knew that Laura, Linda and me were not going to sleep... that's the thing with the staying up all night to stay with the body until they are buried. I went and watched the guys dig for a while and China came with me after she woke up and ate. The guys were doing shots of Platinum and smoking when it wasn't their turn to dig. China and I started talking-we talked about smoking, drinking and guys. Talked about babies and why I don't have one and why I am so old, she asked about Charlie if he was really mine because he pus his face in my chest like I am his mother she says. I said babies love to be close that's all, I had almost forgotten she met him and her question caught me off guard. We got bored so we came in and started to watch a movie but then I got bored and went and checked on Laura. She was sitting alone in the sala listening to the preacher and the singing. So I sat with her with my ipod on and she rested on my shoulder for a bit and then the sun came up. We made it through the night with Mama Tara. Laura and I hop in the car and we came home, I tried resting but couldn't and then we had to get back up for the funeral. I guess it's one of those situations you have to be there to understand but it just hit my heart so hard how much these children loved Mama Tara. Her kids, the kids she took in and the people she helped over the years. I pray one day I can be more like her and help so freely, love so openly and be carefree when I get old because I'll have loved ones around me.

At the Catholic church the service was nice and I felt comfortable in the church but I still don't know what's going on :( after the service we got in Laura's car and followed the parade of cars to Mama Tara's. Then the crying started again, her daughter Impara started- her love for her mom just made me cry. Then Impara's 12 years old daughter started crying out grandmother in Spanish and asking God why and it was heart breaking. Then after a couple hours of cooking in my pants in the sun they put her in the ground and Impara threw her body towards the casket and her husband and son had to catch her. Then it started to hit all the grandkids and the Mama Tara children that she was really gone and they all started to cry. It was horrible, Trevor came running into my arms because he realized she wasn't sleeping. They were all crying and I couldn't hold them all so I had as many as my body could touch. We stood there and cried as they poured cement over the wood and tarp they had put over her casket. I didn't know her long enough to cry for her being missed in my heart, I cried because the children lost their Mama and they were heart broken.

Learning life lessons everyday...

The last time I wrote I wrote about pure joy and how happy I was to be back here and be with my kids and to start a new preschool. The last few weeks have been everything but pure joy-tiring, long, hard, sad and a learning experience. I have learned to not get too comfortable, to not depend on worldly objects and I am still working on forgiveness. I say that my days are tiring, long and hard but it's a good feeling that comes with those feelings. A feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of one step closer to a day where all the children listen and a feeling of I will get a good night of sleep because I am so tired.

A couple Fridays ago I was robbed while I was asleep and they took what I thought was my most valuable things I had but I was wrong. I was left untouched-I still can hold and hug children, still pray and give thanks to God and can still walk, talk and smile. When I woke up and realized I had been robbed and they even took the phone off my pillow I was so upset so mad and wanted all my stuff back. Finally the next day I realized I woke up again, I was protected and I am thankful for that.

So school continued at Mama Tara's, visits to House of Hope still happened and great times at Morgan's feeding program were going on. And I was starting to feel better but still wanting my computer back nothing else just my computer. Then today on the way to the feeding program with Morgan a taxi driver stopped us and said there a guy riding around in my friends taxi. He said he's bring him buy my apt. in a bit so Morgan went on to the feeding program and I went home. It wasn't my computer it was the same everything just much smaller. When everyone left and it was just me I realized I was super sad but not that it wasn't my computer but that I was missing the feeding program with Morgan and the kids. I am learning it's not the amount of stuff I have that should make me happy its the amount of God's love that I share that should make me happy.

The feeling of pure joy :)

You know that feeling you get the first time you see Shamu jump up out of the water in the beginning of the show? Your heart is pounding with excitement, your face is lite with a smile that can be seen for rows. There wasn't a worry that could touch your mind because you are in that moment...a moment of pure joy. That's how it felt when I got back to Puerto Lempira. Of course that feeling came after the feeling of am I going to be sick? The landing is so rough in the small plane on a landing strip made of baseball field clay. The feeling of pure joy comes when you see the children and they greet you with big smiles. Lots of hugs and then the fight starts over who is going to hold your hand. It's the best feeling a person can feel- the feeling that you were missed, that you are remembered by name. Don't get me wrong, I had the most amazing time in the States with my family and friends. I miss them terribly but seeing my children again makes it a little more bearable.

The walk from my apartment to Mama Tara's House is a journey and when it rains it becomes a muddy journey. Also let me throw in there we are in rainy season, to be honest I think we are always in rainy season. But as soon as I heard my name being yelled and saw children with the most beautiful brown faces running towards me. I quickly forgot about the mud all over my favorite new orange shorts. Even though they were covered in sores, scabs and spots they were still happy, smiling and willing to love on me. So for 30 minutes that's just what we did. We hugged, kissed and hola must have been said a thousand times. But my favorite part was rubbing the bald heads of the little boys. After all the excitement I got a better look at the the spots and realized it was chicken pox. Before I left chicken pox was going through House of Hope and now it had made its way to Mama Tara's House. The children in House of Hope have a nurse and get creams from the States when they get stuff like this but not Mama Tara's children. They are the toughest bunch of children I've ever seen. But now that they have Linda a woman from the States living with them, creams will be introduced to the home. They have been using sugar water, plants and other home made remedies for illness and some work but most don't. All I have to say is these children are a lot braver than I am.

One of my favorite reunions was with the little boy you all fell in love with through my pictures and blogs-Charlie. I thought everyone would be interested in hearing how he is doing. While I was gone Charlie started to walk. I was very sad to miss it but so glad he started, it was well over due. After all the greetings and hugs at House of Hope with all the older children. Mia and Italy won the fight in holding my hands and they took me into the sala straight to Charlie. Charlie looked at me and turned around and walked away and in that moment my heart dropped. All I could say was Charlito, he stopped and turned with that big smile on his face and ran towards me. It was not really a run but more like a unstable fast walk. I picked him up and he went straight into my neck with his face like a day hadn't even past. He had a tight grip around my neck, he pulled his face back and looked at me and laughed that giggle that could change bad moods in seconds. He stayed there for the rest of the afternoon, it's amazing what one can accomplish with a small child attached to them. But then dinner time came and I had to put him at the table. And the loud scream of a Charlie tantrum came quick and stayed for a while. But Charlie isn't sick anymore, he isn't malnourished so he follows the schedule just like all the other children. I walked away with him screaming at the table and arms reaching for me. I've always been on the other side of that situation except with my littlest God brother Jack. Dropping him at the YMCA child development center a few times when he didn't want to go. It broke my heart to leave Jack then and it breaks my heart to leave Charlie now, but it has to be done. And even though I know it has to be done, I am just like any other caregiver who loves that child so I did a "creep by". I crept by Child Development to check on Jack then and I crept by the sala before I left House of Hope to check on Charlie . Of course they are fine, they always are but I still found myself having to think the same words I would tell the parents who would leave their child with me. It's harder on your heart than theirs...

Just in case you missed me at the Dean's hour at the Cathedral

 I am not someone who can perform a surgery to fix a cleft palate, I am not professionally trained to help anyone work through their past trauma or someone who has been ordained in the church. But I am a caregiver, I am a strong believer and I do have two capable hands...

For the past 5 months I have been using my hands to guide children towards Christ, to dig trenches to build a classroom and last but not least I use my hands to show love to these children who don't feel it enough. Children who have been abandoned, taken away or have no one to take care of them. I have prayed with and for these children every night I tucked them in. Before lunch everyday we have a devotion and they learn a bible verse to encourage them in their faith. But mainly I show Christ love through being a servant...digging trenches can be mighty humbling :) I know we have all heard this line once or twice in our lives but never have I felt this line to be so true-while I am doing all this in Honduras I am the one being served, being lifted and changed. I have learned a new saying while living in Puerta Lempira-Do what is asked of you and do it with a happy heart for Jesus. I have also learned a mothers love can not be replaced, faked or taught. I am not a mother but I have much love to give. Everyday I give hugs, kisses, snuggles and in return I get lice lol I give words of encouragement, lessons in how to behave and I say a lot of I love you's. I cheer at soccer games, I take children swimming on Sunday's after church and I make sure chores are and homework are done or there are consequence. I do lice treatments, put on Band-Aids and change diapers...I am not a mother but I am a servant.

You may ask yourself why do I even bother, how do I know any of this will change these children? Because I know a fantastic Christian and responsible dentist that grew up in a home where mission groups go and give love and guide little hands towards Jesus. And even if it's just one child who comes out of these homes a strong believer because of the love and guidance that I have shown then then that's enough because I made a difference for the glory of God. So I may not be a doctor, a counselor or a cannon but I am a missionary.

What I have been up to for the past couple of months...

A month ago I was laying in bed with a parasite in my stomach, a tired feeling I couldn't shake and no appetite. I went and had a blood test and some other test at the hospital but nothing was found. Then someone said they can only test for a few different parasites and there are many. I couldn't make it to the store to buy water let alone to the Home to see my children. After losing 30 pounds in less then a month and being so dehydrated my head felt like it was going to explode I knew it was time to get some better health care. So I took a plan to the city. I came to San Pedro Sula to a bigger hospital, where they could run more test and the doctors seem to know a little bit more. After many test, a tube going down my throat and a X-ray we found out it was a parasite but I had taken already a few medicine's for them. The doctor wanted me to take one more, of course I get one of the bad side effects and cant feel my feet and my hands were numb for 2 weeks. I am drinking plenty of water now but my headache still was strong and painful. So I got a second opinion, this doctor said all that your stomach has endured you have wiped out all the good bacteria so he gave me another script. This time I felt well for a whole week and a half so I went a woman retreat for missionaries in Honduras and I was having an amazing time until one afternoon the pain was back. So back to bed I go...no dinner and then no breakfast, lunch or dinner again. It just so happens a doctor from the States is at this retreat so I meet her and tell her whats going on and she asks me questions. She calls in a pill and a powder-I take the pill and with in 2 hours I was fine, I was me...loud, dancing and making people happy. I was getting pills for a parasite that had been long gone but had left a infection so I needed something for the infection. My stomach is sensitive and always will be but I am me again and it feels great!! I've been going to many different orphanages in a few different cities around San Pedro. I still cant believe there are so many children with no parents every new home we go to. I don't think I will ever get use to it...it breaks my heart every time we pull up to a new home and new beautiful smile run out to hug me.

I do miss Puerta Lempira everyday-I miss my friends, my children and I miss the feel of I can walk anywhere I need to go. I am looking forward to getting back there in Jan. but don't get me wrong I am defiantly looking forward to coming back to the States. Brushing my teeth with sink water, flushing toilet paper and loving on friends and family that I have missed so much.

I am sorry this has taken so long to get out to y'all, I thank you all for your prayers and I cant wait to see everyone in 2 weeks!!!

Saying goodbye to Charlie everyday...

I've been here 3 months and I can't believe how fast the time is going by...I look different, act different and think differently but I still feel like me. I look healthier, I act like a person who has a good head on their shoulders and I think like a mother constantly but I am still me. I still am loud and command an audience, I still smile with my whole face which will make you smile too and I still love with all that I am even though it's harder these days because my heart is breaking a little everyday but at the same time I am different.

Charlie and Mia's mom is living in House of Hope and has a baby in her belly, she is trying to clean up her life. She has given up drugs, men and alcohol, she has endured a brick being slammed on her leg until it was broken and then hot wax poured on her until her skin was scared. While at House of Hope she is to take care of her children, clean her room and show some manners to the workers who had taken care of her children. She can do none of these things and it is so sad to see a woman, a mother act like this. I stayed around her as much as I could because I wanted to see the kids and they want to see me but it was a little uncomfortable to have Charlie call mama out to me while with her. I've been putting a day or two between the times I see him but it did no good it just made me miss the other children. So I went to House of Hope and didn't see him on purpose a few days and now Mia finds me and the mother has someone bring Charlie to me. Sometimes I don't know if I am hurting or helping him but I know for a fact I am hurting myself. It hurts me knowing he doesn't go outside everyday, it hurts me knowing she has lost track of his toys and he has none now and it hurts me the most to have to say goodbye to Charlie crying every time and walk home crying too.

How much pain can one's heart take? How many tears can someone really cry on a regular basis? Maybe I am praying wrong, maybe I deserve all this because I haven't made great decision either but maybe God has a lesson for me and I just need some prayer to hold on just a little bit longer...