I've been here 3 months and I can't believe how fast the time is going by...I look different, act different and think differently but I still feel like me. I look healthier, I act like a person who has a good head on their shoulders and I think like a mother constantly but I am still me. I still am loud and command an audience, I still smile with my whole face which will make you smile too and I still love with all that I am even though it's harder these days because my heart is breaking a little everyday but at the same time I am different.
Charlie and Mia's mom is living in House of Hope and has a baby in her belly, she is trying to clean up her life. She has given up drugs, men and alcohol, she has endured a brick being slammed on her leg until it was broken and then hot wax poured on her until her skin was scared. While at House of Hope she is to take care of her children, clean her room and show some manners to the workers who had taken care of her children. She can do none of these things and it is so sad to see a woman, a mother act like this. I stayed around her as much as I could because I wanted to see the kids and they want to see me but it was a little uncomfortable to have Charlie call mama out to me while with her. I've been putting a day or two between the times I see him but it did no good it just made me miss the other children. So I went to House of Hope and didn't see him on purpose a few days and now Mia finds me and the mother has someone bring Charlie to me. Sometimes I don't know if I am hurting or helping him but I know for a fact I am hurting myself. It hurts me knowing he doesn't go outside everyday, it hurts me knowing she has lost track of his toys and he has none now and it hurts me the most to have to say goodbye to Charlie crying every time and walk home crying too.
How much pain can one's heart take? How many tears can someone really cry on a regular basis? Maybe I am praying wrong, maybe I deserve all this because I haven't made great decision either but maybe God has a lesson for me and I just need some prayer to hold on just a little bit longer...
